Here I sit, outside on the back steps of my neighbors house, stealing their internet. They are well aware of course, and allow their cheap neighbor full access. I am grateful. As the sun is setting, and a perfect Sunday in sunny Minnesota comes to an end, I am craving to dig inside my soul and figure out what I think about life these days. I came back from Haiti in a "funk" to put things lightly. I walked around in a daze, not sure how to pick up my life here for some indefinite period of time. I was anxious, moody, sad, lonely and depressed. All I wanted to do was to quit my job and pack my bags for Haiti.
Now, I'm feeling much better. The sense of impending doom that followed me for days is now gone. I am Lisa again. The Minneapolis girl at heart. I enjoy my job, love my church, love my neighbors, and have re-connected with old friends. I'm back into the rhythm of the life I knew before my Haiti trip. I can't decide if this rhythm is saving me from being irrational, or if it is hypnotizing me into setting up my life the way society tells me it should look. I find myself in a bit of a fear for my next trip to Haiti, because each time it is harder and harder for me to come back home. I look at the Facebook pages of other friends and acquaintances who are in Haiti now, and every part of me is jealous. I see pictures of the kids at the orphanage and feel convicted that I am not there. It is true that the kids are okay, happy, and well cared for. But I want to be a part of their life. I don't want to walk in and out. I want to hold, mentor, and know them for who they are.
So here I sit.. in a battle with myself. Fearful to sacrifice my job and security in order to follow my dreams, the dreams that torment me every day. The dreams that breathe life into me, and show me my identity. I'm scared of falling on my face. Scared of screwing myself over financially, scared of people saying I should have listened to their plans for my life. I just want to do life right. I want to take advantage of the blessings I've been given, a job for example, and I just can't seem to find a balance between what I want and where I want to be, and where I am now. It bothers me that my life always feels like it's in a state of crisis. Most days I am frantic, trying to think of a way to pay off loans, work 2 jobs, take a month off and go to Haiti, move to Haiti altogether, pr stay away from Haiti and keep my mind focused on work here... and nothing seems to make sense. I'm trying to practice patience and to wait for the right timing for something so big as deciding to go to Haiti, but I wonder if the time will ever seem right. I think that I will always have something in minnesota that I will sacrifice by leaving. I guess right now I'm trying to figure out what it is that I need to sacrifice. Is it time to put a hold on the travels and concentrate here? Or is it time to give up my sense of control and take a risk at following my passions?