This is round two. I started out writing this post, giving the facts of the hurricane and trying to put into words the feelings of my heart the past few weeks- and I failed. I was left with an emotionless stream of news, something that didn't even begin to speak the words of my heart. So I'll try again, and start with how I feel right now. I miss Haiti. I really really miss Haiti. Now I miss Haiti with a fear and insecurity I've never missed her with before. While I was in school I always felt that once I broke free from my commitment there, graduated, and became a nurse, that I'd be well on my way to Haiti. I've recently started a new job as a nurse in a clinic, and as each check comes in and the monies are allotted among loans, food, and car... I see a never ending cycle dying to trap me into the "norms" of this world. I try to place a time-stamp on when I'll be secure enough here, have enough loans payed, enough money saved- to go to Haiti long term, and I just don't see it.
Last Sunday I tried a new church. Praise God that I loved it. It's close to home and it's a great community. I'm really excited to go back. Anyways, I walked in a little late last Sunday... (not much of a surprise to anyone..) and was immediately pulled into intimate worship with the Lord. As I sang songs of praise, I felt a sense of joy and thankfulness that God had finally brought me to this church. The last song we sang had a part in it about the nations and the islands, and I could barely gain composure enough to sing the word "island" because I was missing Haiti so much. The sermon was about missions. What a Sunday for me to come on, right? Needless to say, I was very interested. The pastor talked about how we're all called to missions. Throughout the service I started to feel a sense of guilt overwhelm me. How is it that I am still in Minnesota? Why can't I trust God to provide my finances for me while I serve Him in Haiti?
A week later, I'm still wrestling with these thoughts. I wish I had more of a peace about things, but for right now I don't.
Haiti, I just want you to know that I love you and I promise you I will never forget you. I love your color, your rhythm, your songs, your heat ;), your language, your strength and your beauty. I miss you more than I can explain. I don't know why, but I know it's true- you have captured my heart and will never let go of it.