Only Time

 It always amazes me when I start out to write a new bog post and realize it has been over a month since my last one. "A month has passed already?" I think to myself. I mean, I'm here for 12 months, and just like that I lived out nearly 10% of it? Wow.

I've been back in Haiti for about a month. I visited home and did a small side job in North Carolina. I came back to Haiti absolutely refreshed. It was like coming here for the first time to move in again. One month later, I am happy to say that I'm still riding on that Haiti high.

The biggest event since I've been back was definitely Hurricane Isaac, which caused quite the commotion in trying to prepare for a natural disaster. We were hit with heavy rains, but spared the torrential winds and downpour that hit Port au Prince and the south of Haiti. My friends in Port au Prince experienced some scary nights while the hurricane passed them, but I'm happy to report that everyone I know was kept safe. I know not all of Port au Prince was so lucky.. many tent cities were destroyed by the winds and rain.

On a lighter note, I've started back into running. There have been a couple of avid runners volunteering here so my mornings now start with a 6am run through the countryside or mountains. I really enjoy it, especially my chocolate banana protein shake I treat myself to after every run! The trails that used to kill me, I now find myself adding extra loops onto for a longer run. I feel stronger and healthier and I sneak peaks at my biceps to check if they're any bigger from my pushups ;) Not quite yet...

I'm still spending the majority of my nursing time in the Emergency Room, but these past couple weeks there have been some interesting opportunities for me to get involved with. Last week we had a laproscopic surgery team here and I watched several surgeries. I learned about intubation and watched closely as the anesthesiologist performed it. I hope to try it myself on a patient the next time we have a surgical team here. I also had hands-on experience with sutures. I feel much more comfortable with this skill now and I have a lot of fun doing it. I love the transformation of a dirty, messy wound into something clean and neat. It looks so much better after a little cleaning and stitching.

Last week we had a professional journalist and photographer here. He is working on some pieces for the hospital's website and magazine. One of his projects was to follow me to Michelet's home to get some footage to go along with the article I wrote on him (the magazine will be published later this month). It was so much fun to bring the photographer along on my adventure and an honor that he could capture some of these moments for me! I will post the link to the article and videos when they are finished.

 This week we have a respiratory therapist team here and I've been sitting in on lectures. Yesterday I learned more about using ventilators. The once frightening and complex machine is starting to feel less intimidating to me. Now I just have to learn how to turn the obnoxious alarms off! Today I'm learning about respiratory infections, specifically RSV and bronchiolitis and how to care for a patient fighting this sickness.

My Kreyol is coming along and I can easily carry on conversation. I've gotten to the point that I can understand all or most of what the patients tell me about their medical conditions and sometimes I help translate for the other American volunteers. I'm still practicing understanding when people speak quickly or when the eldery speak- those are the two most difficult situations for me.

I don't think I've mentioned it yet... it is HOT here. This past month has definitely been the hottest of my time here. I find myself napping at lunch time and am thoroughly exhausted at the end of the day, all of which I attribute to the this hot, muggy weather. The good thing is that it still cools of pretty nicely at night so it's comfortable to sleep. I think the temperature drops a little in October or November. Honestly though, I had heard so many complaints about the summers here and I'm happy to see that I made it through it and it's really not all that bad! I'll take a hot summer like this over a wintry Minnesota day easily :)

I'm starting to consider my next steps after this year. I've been presented with some really great opportunities in various hospitals around the US. This year has really opened a lot of doors for me. It's interesting though, because as exciting as new opportunity sounds to me,  I'm not sure I'm ready to leave Haiti. It has taken me SO long to get to where I am. So many sacrifices, embarassing moments, hard and lonely moments, confusing or stressful moments... and here I am and it's finally all coming together and I'm getting this whole life-in-Haiti thing down. Can I really pack up now?  That's the question on my mind. I still have time to think about it. I'm not stressed about it, I'm just curious about what it would look like to stay longer.. so I'll end my blog post with  that unanswered question. I'll just let it hang there in suspense and maybe next time I come around to blogging I'll have some more thoughts or answers. For now, I'm content with knowing where I'll be today, tomorrow, next week and next month, and I'm happy to know that place is Milot, Haiti.


A photo taken while I was visiting Michelet's family. His mom and dad are front center.

A view from the top of the mountain. Haiti is so beautiful.

Un-blurrying My Vision

I'm sitting in the dark outside of my house. My new guitar rests at my side and my raw fingers are ready to punch out the thoughts that have been stirring within me as I switch from world to another... and soon to switch back again. Acoustic music streams from my computer. The road in front of my house is quiet, save the lone car that occasionally drives by.

America is lovely and full of choices, options, and alternatives. I am not tired of it. I feel like I could continue in this pattern- waking up and being amazed throughout the day at how nice it is here. I've had time with family and friends. Once again, I LOVE the time I get with the girls- both the ones my age and my little friends too. I've shopped and ate at restaurants, laid at the pool, exercised, and taken a few long car rides while blasting the radio. I now know every song by heart thanks to the lack of variety that is played. I enjoy every minute of bring here. It's also really nice to sleep in such a comfy, cool, and clean bed. You know what? It's so ironic, because when I was planning for my year in Haiti- I was quite certain I wouldn't visit home. Here I am on my third trip back to the states since I moved to Haiti. I'd be lying if I didn't admit I feel a little weak.  I have such a respect for all the other missionaries and Americans that are working full-time in Haiti. Many of them have been in Haiti for years and make it home only once a year. You are amazing!

My last few weeks in Haiti (or maybe month.. or longer?) were really hard on me. Having this time at home and being able to step away from the situation that was swallowing me whole, has given me a new perspective on things. The first change in perspective happened soon after I set my bags down in my room. My mom had arranged my room so nicely for me. As I was taking it all in, my eyes stopped scanning and fixed on a sight that literally made me shriek with joy. A blown up and framed picture of precious little Michelet was resting on my dresser.

 That night as I was trying to fall asleep and several nights since then, I've thought a lot about his family. A lot of times when I'm in Haiti I start to feel really useless. I reflect on my day at night and wonder if I let more people down than the number of people I helped. I wonder what difference my extra set of hands in the hospital made and realize that often times I'm learning more from the hospital staff than I am able to teach or give back to them. I wonder if it's even worth it to buy a plate of food for someone who is hungry when I know I will not be there to always give them food and what is the solution for the next time they are hungry? I wonder if the piece of candy I gave the kids helped them or did more harm than good.

These are all still very real questions... and legitimate.

Now that I'm not in Haiti I'm able to close my eyes and remember walking hand in hand with my boys down the dirt path on the way to see Michelet. I don't remember the faces of the girls who are begging for my sandals or the kids that run up to me for candy and run back to their homes when I tell them I don't have any. I remember pizza night with the neighborhood kids, and I'm able to dream of more pizza nights. I see Michelet's family and I finally have some energy to brainstorm for a way to help them. I really, really love that baby and his family. They have become my family in Milot. They call and check on me when they haven't heard from me. They save their pineapples and oranges for me because they know I love fruit. They are my pick -me -up, the highlight of my day when I get to see them. Their smiles are genuine and full of life. The kids are crazy like all kids are and I love coloring with them or watching them dance to the music on my phone. Their grandma is the most wonderful woman I have ever met. Our verbal exchange is extremely limited but I watch her and her charisma and love are so evident. Thanks to some helpful docs from the states, I finally have the mom covered on seizure meds and have medication for her for the next 4 months.

I remember others, not just Michelet's family and I miss them.

I know it will get hard again going back to Haiti. On every walk, run.. pretty much every time I show my face in the community, I am bombarded with requests to give and give and the truth is that I cannot fulfill them all. I still do not know how to choose who to help and when to stop or when to challenge myself by giving more than I think I can. I don't want to alienate or hinder my Haitian friends by my gifts or help. I'm not sure if that's possible, but I think it might be.  I have 4 months left in Haiti, and I'm not counting down the time. I'm not sure yet exactly what the next step is. There is a good chance I might come back to the states for a pediatric nursing job, but I am open to staying in Haiti if the right opportunity comes up. I know if i move back to the states, I will look back on this year with nostalgia. I have 4 months that I am certain of and I do not want to take that time for granted. Through the good times and the bad, Haiti has a very special place in my life. The past, the present and for certain, the future.

So in summary, I love being back in America, but I am gradually getting filled back up and soon will be ready to head back to my nursing and the life I live on that island. I have just under one week until I go back so I'll bask in the pleasures of USA just a little big longer. Bon nuit ;)

The kids that always join me on my walks :)